Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-1687225-20141028030458

I haven't been active here for a while. But I feel like I need to talk to some people about this before I lose my mind and do something stupid.

My life for the last three months have been...the worst months of my life. My best friend died after a two year fight with cancer at the end of August. He passed away without my getting the opportunity to be there for him and to say goodbye. Two weeks later, my mother and brother revealed to me that my father had been having an affair with at least two women, but had at least two children with them. My life completely fell apart at that point as I was and am still trying to cope with my recent loss. To top it all off, the money that had been set aside from my graduate school--my mum had paid for my undergrad, and my dad was supposed to pay for grad--ended up going to the mistresses and children rather than me. So now I have to drop out of school, right as I was getting settled into graduate life.

Being unable to stay in school means that I legally have no reason to stay in the United States. Therefore, I have to leave the US in two months, to serve in my country's armed forces for a year (I am from Taiwan, which has mandatory service for all males over 18). I have to leave this country, which I've lived in for 8 years, behind. I knew it had to come sooner or later but not this soon. Not like this. The last time I was in Taiwan was a horrible experience for me, because of language and cultural barriers. I do not relish going back there again.

As a consequence of my best friend dying, my father's betrayal, my family imploding, my dropping out of school by the end of this semester, and my military draft, my schoolwork has deteriorated extremely painfully. I've never been this poor academically. I admit freely that this has resulted in me wallowing in my continual self-pity in a self-destructive cycle of unproductiveness. My fellow grad students (who are unaware of my full situation) treat me as though I am lazy and disorganized, because that is how I am presenting myself. My plans for my professional life have been shelved, perhaps indefinitely, for this country.

I'm trying to tackle my breakdown over this time period into chunks. My first question for you guys is: has anyone here lost a close friend or family member before? How did you cope with the grief?

90% of the time, I feel relatively fine. But now and then something small and completely unrelated will set me off, and I lie down on the floor and I want to die. Every time I feel like maybe I've gotten over it and am moving on, it hits me like an unexpected pile of bricks. I can't sleep, I can't concentrate. This is eating me alive and I want a way out. I haven't felt happy in the last three months of my life. Please help. 